★ UPCOMING TRAVEL DATES: I’ll be in the San Luis Obispo area from October 19-22nd for a dear friend’s birthday and am opening a few portrait slots along the Golden Coast. If that speaks to you, reply to this email, visit trulyspectacular.world or enter the portal here.
When we write for guidance, we write out a question, and then write down what we “hear.” Following our guidance, we find ourselves led, gently and well. As we practice writing for guidance, we find that our guidance comes more and more easily. The novice at guidance may find themselves doubting its validity. “What if it’s just my imagination?” It is not, or—if it is—the imagination is far wiser and more benevolent than we had previously thought. The essential message of guidance is the assurance that all is well; difficulties will work out; we are safe, guided, and protected. Our guidance comes, and we come to rely upon it.
- Julia Cameron, Writing For Guidance
✍︎ I’m frustrated with this whole [redacted] thing. I’m afraid I won’t be able to narrow it down into something tangible. And even if I do, what if no one’s interested? I’m stressed about trying to figure it all out when I don’t have the time, money, or resources to do it right. I genuinely believe this could be a real thing. I’m just stuck. And it’s hard to get my shit together. It’s like it’s so close, yet still so out of reach. I wish I could snap my fingers, make the student loans disappear, and have an audience ready to spread the word. Also—sometimes I feel like I’m trying to be too many things at once. Lol.
★ Wow. Sounds like a lot, and I can tell you’re feeling pretty overwhelmed. It also seems like there’s some shame in the room. I’m curious if we’re using that feeling to push ourselves a little harder, as a means of gaining momentum towards a solution, but I’m also wondering if that’s what you want to rely on right now.
✍︎ Of course not (shame is bad)!
★ lol. It’s happening again.
✍︎ Fuck.
★ It’s okay. Why don’t you take a deep breath?
✍︎ …
★ Can I ask you a question?
✍︎ Always.
★ What would you like to feel now instead of shame, frustration, and fear?
✍︎ I would like to feel some excitement. Inspiration. Trust. Clarity.
★ Ya. That sounds fucking dope.
✍︎ But even just saying that makes me feel the fear even more, like it’s just bubbling up in my throat. I think I might cry.
★ That’s fine, you can cry.
✍︎ I can’t, I’m at the coffee shop.
★ Oh, ok. lol.
✍︎ HELP.
★ I’m wondering what would happen if we gave a little space to that fear you’re feeling.
✍︎ What do you mean? ugh.
★ I mean, can you let yourself feel it a little in your body? We’re writing it out right now, so technically you’re more in your head, but later, and as you go throughout your day and week, what if we transformed some of that fear into a signal?
✍︎ A signal for what?
★ I mean maybe the fear is helping you remember something.
✍︎ Stop! I’m going to cry! At the coffee shop!
★ LOL
✍︎ Fuck.
★ Hey.
✍︎ Ya?
★ I love you.
✍︎ I love you too.
★ Ok, listen.
✍︎ I’m listening (crying).
★ You’re scared because you care. So much.
✍︎ god, I know it.
★ You care so much. And you know you’re onto something. This is important.
✍︎ I know but—
★ You’re afraid, I know.
✍︎ I just—
★ It’s hard right now. A lot is going on. AND, remember last night?
✍︎ Yeah, I do.
★ It was fun, hu?
✍︎ Ya.
★ Good things happening, all the time, in spite of it all.
✍︎ Right. I’m so tired though.
★ Ya that’s real. Hey— you’re not cringe, ok?
✍︎ What? Why are you bringing that up right now? lol
★ Because I can tell you were thinking about it.
✍︎ Aren’t I just supposed to let myself be cringe? Like that’s the life hack or whatever?
★ Yes and no. I think when you see “cringe” what you’re actually responding to are things that feel inauthentic to you, and that freaks you out. That frustrates you. But to be fair, what you’re seeing could very well be authentic to somebody else, it’s just not for you.
✍︎ Right. I’ve seen a lot of gross things on the internet lately and it makes me want to throw up.
★ Yeah there’s some real shit out there. But hey let’s refocus here for a sec.
✍︎ OK.
★ You don’t have to worry about being cringe in all of this as long as you are sticking to what feels genuinely fun, exciting, and generally interesting to you. If you’re curious about it, that’s enough. There’s no shame in that. That’s your compass, ok?
✍︎ Ugh. But I want to be cool! I want to be impressive!
★ No. You want to be known. You want to feel seen. And more than anything, you want to feel a sense of connection.
✍︎ ugh.
★ You’re sort of doing this weird whiny thing now, but I can take it. ANYWAY. You’ve been perceived as “cool” before and it was lonely, remember?
✍︎ Yeah.
★ The real cool stuff you experience, the things that make you come alive—like that show you saw last night—it resonated with you on a deep, visceral level. Those moments make you feel human in the best way. They expand you, put you in a state of awe. That’s what I’m getting at. That’s the feeling you’re chasing: aliveness, expansion, connection, awe. And of course, you’d want that. Who wouldn’t?
✍︎ I think we forget sometimes. Like when I saw the stage, the lights, the dancing, and all the costume changes—there was this little flicker of jealousy, like, will I ever be that cool? Lol. But mostly, I just thought, wow, I can’t believe I get to see this. It was so fucking cool, and I felt so grateful to everyone who made it happen. Everything about it just felt so queer, and I loved that.
★ Ya.
✍︎ I don’t want to try and fix anyone, or solve anyone’s problems, really. I just. I want that feeling for them too. That like, expansiveness and so when I think about bringing all of these ideas together into something that could do that for someone and then mixing it with money— which I get it— it’s fine to exchange money for time and services—
★ Wait—can I interrupt you for a second?
✍︎ Uh, sure…
★ You’re filtering yourself.
✍︎ What??
★ You’re starting to filter yourself because you’re thinking about possibly sharing this conversation publically and that’s starting to shift what it is you want to talk about right now.
✍︎ god damnit.
★ It’s fine—you can—just— think for a second. You were onto something.
✍︎ Fine. Look, I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. This feels like such a huge and scary shift—not like I’m going to stop making pictures or anything. I don’t know. There’s something here, and if it feels *so* right, I don’t get why I’m struggling with it so much at the same time.
★ Well honey, there’s a lot of judgement here. And like we’ve established—fear. I don’t see you struggling. I see you wrestling.
✍︎ But there’s so much fear.
★ Mmmm, not too much though. I think you’ll be fine.
✍︎ lol, okay. thanks?
★ You’re wrestling with the details: the UNKNOWABLE FUTURE.
✍︎ Ok but why do you have to capitalize it like that lol.
★ ok fuck off lol
✍︎ lol, k. sorry.
★ Let me remind you, the answers aren’t going to just drop into your lap in one big flash. Sure, sometimes you get those moments of clarity, but they’re rare and usually come in small fragments. They tend to show up when you give yourself space or step away and let things marinate in the background OR carve out some time to consciously think about it. It’s not going to fall from the sky—you’re uncovering it, slowly. And no offense, but there’s a bit of impatience here, which makes sense. That’s your practical side kicking in.
✍︎ I hate that.
★ I know you do. You think there’s no time.
✍︎ It really does feel like that.
★ Right. So you’re going to need to hop into that plane of consciousness where there is more space, more time. You know what to do.
✍︎ my god it feels so impossible.
★ you’ve done the impossible before.
✍︎ I want to scream.
★ Great, why don’t you have a little scream?
✍︎ Still at the coffee shop.
★ Lol, I know.
✍︎ …
★ ANYWAY. What I’m saying is you have a compass here. What is your compass?
✍︎ My fear.
★ What is your fear pointing to?
✍︎ What I care about.
★ And what is it you really care about?
✍︎ …connection.
★ ☺
✍︎ crying again.
★ I know.
✍︎ I just—
★ I know.
✍︎ I—
★ You don’t have to worry. You have to remember.
✍︎ Why do I keep forgetting? god this is so fucking cheesy, because even beneath that is just…love you know? Connection, true connection is about being connected to big love. Like…oneness.
★ Yup.
✍︎ Why does it have to be so hippy-dippy??
★ Stop lol. You love that shit. Some people are going to think it’s weird.
✍︎ k, fine.
★ and…
✍︎ I just don’t want to lose people along the way you know?
★ You will. But that’s not who you’re talking to anyway.
✍︎ Right.
★ Go ahead, say it.
✍︎ IT’S JUST SO HARD TO LET GO OF WHO I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
★ There’s some grief there, hu?
✍︎ A huge lump in my throat.
★ Not everyone is going to understand.
✍︎ I’m not going to feel connected to some of the coolest people places or things that I see. And that hurts.
★ Huh. That’s such an interesting story… this idea of coolness is really important to you isn’t it?
✍︎ Yeah well you know what I mean.
★ You can still love people, honor their humanity, and admire them from afar without feeling like you have to be a part of it all. I don’t know why it has to feel like such a huge loss—or so black and white.
✍︎ What do you mean you don’t know, of course you know.
★ I think sometimes you long for things from people that they can’t give you. And that’s valid, but part of this is about letting go and turning your attention to the stuff that IS for you.
✍︎ Ya well it all just feels really fucking risky.
★ Ya. It is. That’s love babe. You will get hurt along the way.
✍︎ I already have.
★ I know.
✍︎ Beneath all this fear is so so so much grief. I feel so much sadness right now.
★ Right.
✍︎ Wow we’re really out here in the weeds right now, aren’t we? lol
★ Okay yeah let’s reign it in a bit and lower the stakes. I think there was something you really wanted to say.
✍︎ Ya, just like, officially out loud. Between us.
★ I’m listening. ☺
✍︎ I think if I can remember what it is I really care about, I will know what to do. Like right now I’m recalling the things that have held me back from it.
★ what…connection?
✍︎ Don’t act like you don’t know where I’m going with this, you are me lol.
★ This is funny.
✍︎ Anyway. I’m not — I’m not trying to change anyone or anything, I’m just trying to clear a path for people and myself. So people can find their way. But all I know is my own experience. So it feels so raw.
★ It’s interesting that you keep feeling the need to defend this idea of you supposedly wanting to change or fix people. What is that?
✍︎ It feels vulnerable to admit I think I can actually be of service and I don’t want people to think that I think I have all the answers.
★ Ya but you have some of them, don’t you? Or at least fragments that could genuinely be helpful? What if you were allowed to help people? Isn’t it funny that like our worst fear is being a narcissist or something?
✍︎ Wait, is that my worst fear??!
★ It’s like when your therapist told you that you couldn’t even be a bitch if you tried.
✍︎ Oh yeah that was crazy hahha.
★ It’s all just safeguards you know. Like the minute you try to expand the little bumpers come up.
✍︎ Why is it so hard to own what I know? I feel emotional.
★ I think it’s just vulnerable to expand. But you saw this coming a long time ago. This is a growth edge. I think you need to try to have some faith in that. What would it look like if you leaned into it? Unapologetically?
✍︎ BUT WHY IS IT SO HARD.
★ Because you kinda have to put yourself out there in a new way, and that feels embarrassing to you. It hurts to be rejected, misunderstood, and judged. That’s some deep shit. But it’s also not unique. Sorry. That’s why you have to revisit the grief. Because as you get closer to the real thing, the real thing you’re feeling called to do, you have to remember all the times you put yourself out there and it wasn’t fully accepted or understood. Or you fucked up. Also, we can’t get to the part of you starting to visualize this all going well if you don’t make a pit stop here first.
✍︎ This is just starting to feel like therapy now.
★ I’m just tossing the ball back and forth with you, babe.
✍︎ Why can’t I just let it go? Why can’t I be fearless? Why can’t I just not give a fuck?
★ It’s not about being fearless. It’s not about not giving a fuck.
✍︎ good GOD what is it about then???
★ If it’s 100% relief from all this discomfort, I can’t get you there. Part of this is about you being ok with the discomfort and not seeing it as a bad thing.
✍︎ good god we are there again?
★ Ok wow chill out lol.
✍︎ Sorry.
★ LISTEN. YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS. YOU ARE TEACHING IT ALL OF THE TIME ALREADY.
✍︎ Ya I’m starting to gather that.
★ I think the shift in language here is important. You said something about clearing a path—do you want to say more about that?
✍︎ I think if I can reverse engineer how I’ve done that for myself already, like this idea of what stands between me and this feeling of expansiveness, this connection I feel with others when I’m working with them, I might be able to explain that to someone else, and it could help.
★ You know you’re already doing that, right.
✍︎ Right. You just said that.
★ Right. I think you actually just need to sit down and write about this some more. Give yourself some time to plan. To think about the details. You’ve been too afraid to do it, and also a little busy. But you have time now.
✍︎ Ok but this feels different, it feels more tender, more personal. And I just don’t know if I can turn it into something.
★ I don’t think that’s true. But I think it’s good that you’re expressing this doubt and getting it out on the page.
✍︎ Ya, maybe.
★ I think you coming back to the core of what you care bout feels a lot better in your body, than worrying about all of the unknowns right now, doesn’t it?
✍︎ Ya I do feel a little lighter. Like I wanted some big answers and I guess I got some, but I mostly just feel less afraid.
★ You what?!
✍︎ I feel less afraid.
★ That’s incredible.
This made me cry in a coffee shop so you are not the only one; thank you for this offering of humanity, of grace, of compassion. What a gift.
Yeah this definitely made me cry. But in a library.